The Quest for the Bathroom (Door)

Part 3

Participants in the posted portion of this story:

Part the Third...

...while Brian wonders, "Wait, how come I'm counting? It feels as though my character is being dictated by some.... outside force!!!"

Brian promptly falls to the ground, his illusions of free will shattered.

"Oh yeah," he comments, reviving for a convenient moment. "The X's and O's on the map were just the result of two bored guards engaging in a friendly game of tic-tac-toe."

And then he collapsed again.

(by BrianS)

As most of the party wondered why there were so many canyons in the courtyards and beaches surronding Evermore Palace, Sara tried to read the map to figure out which way they were going.

"Well," she said, "According to this map, we should go the Royal Tapestry Room, Floor 18, East Hall, Lower Mezzanie."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because of my faultless sense of direction, and the fact that Royal Tapestry Room, Floor 18, East Hall, Lower Mezzanie is printed across the back of this thing."



Paul: We've secretly replaced the Fellowship of the Bathroom Door's "Brian" Character with a manequin that looks just like him. Let's see if they can tell the difference...


"Say, the counting has stopped."

"Yeah, that's odd..."

The party turned to face Brian, but he just stood there, unmoving, even to constant prodding. Then they left him there, because he was getting rather annoying anyway as a running gag and a plot device.

Finally, after running up seventeen flights of stairs, becoming dehydrated, and eating all the calories that they had worked off via candy bars in the vending machine, they reached the Royal Tapestry Room. For a moment, they just stopped and stared, because there was only one tapestry, and it stretched for about One and a Half miles across all four of the castle walls.

It was decorated in a checkerboard pattern, each square having either a blank space, an X, or an O inside of it. Every single party member figured out the significance of the map at about the same time, with the exception of Brian, who was marginally less aware of what was going on than the others, and Keolah, who was sound asleep in the small basket that Sara had thoughfully provided her.

"OK, now for the hard part..." thought Quiz...

(by T.C. Chavez, Quizmaster 4.0)

Keolah stirred and stared blankly at the Tapestry.

"42," commented the feline, still sleepy.

Nobody really paid much attention to her anyway. "Um, now what?" wondered Sara.

Everyone looked to Kyla. "What, am I supposed to know?"

Keolah cleared her feline throat. "Excuse me, the answer is 42."

"Huh?" gaped Quiz.

"Oh, have Brian count out 42," Keolah snarled, then went back to sleep.

"42 what?" asked Gally.

The Fellowship of the Bathroom Door stood staring blankly at each other and scratching their heads in confusion.

(by Keolah)

And Sarae falls from the ceiling.


"Uh..Hi guys...Where am i?"

Sarae looks at Sarah.

"Why is Brian counting?"

(by Sarae)

Sarah Kathryn applauds at Sarae's graceful flop from the dome of the ceiling to the floor. "You know, someday you'll just have to show me how you do that."

Sarae blushes. "You still haven't answered my question."

"Oh, Brian? It was a long story...really. Charles Dickens put him under a page-and-anything-else-counting spell. I think it's started to wear off, though." They both glance at the mannequin, who is still not doing much.


Paul: Guess they couldn't tell the difference. We will now bring the real Brian back--as twins.


Brian walks in.

Brian walks in.

Brian says, "Hey, guys, what's up?"

At almost the same time, Brian says, "Hey guys, what's up?"

(by Sarah Kathryn)

Now that she has rested, she has built up enough mana to attempt retransformation. Keolah casts a spell...

** POOF! **

Keolah resumes elven form!

"Okay, now where were we?" she inquires of the Tapestry. "Oh, yes. The Quest for the Bathroom Door. Brian-Brian?"

"Yes-Yes," said Brian-Brian.

"Why are there two of you?"

"Two-two?" Brian looks to Brian. Brian stares blankly at Brian.

"Will the real Brian please step forward?" Keolah intones.

Niether Brian moves. Keolah sighs in frustration and slaps her forehead. "Now where did I put that sword?"

She searches around in her trenchcoat and locates a rather large sword. "Okay, which is the real Brian?"

Everybody holds their breath in nervous anticipation of what Keolah might be about to do. Quizís mouth drops open. Gally hides her eyes.

Keolah takes the shining blade over to the pair of Brians. "Okay, now, if somebody doesnít get rid of one of these fellows, Iím going to cut off one of their heads. Narrator!" calls Keolah, "Narrator! Whatís the narratorís name again?"

"Paul, I think," replies Quiz quizically.

"Paul!" Keolah shouts.

Paul: Yes?

"Will you kindly remove the fake Brian?" Keolah demands.

Paul: Well...

Keolah holds her sword precariously near the lefthand Brianís neck.

Paul: Okay, okay, donít do anything drastic!

The righthand Brian disappears suddenly.

The lefthand Brian glares nervously at Keolahís sharp sword.

Mercifully, the elf puts away her weapon. "Now... The Tapestry..."

(by Keolah)

"O.k, Brian, now that you're no longer a manequin, or posessed by your evil twin via Paul the narrator..."

Paul: Sorry.

" can help us find the next part of the door. So, Keolah, what was he supposed to do again?"

"Count to 42, Brian." Keolah replied.

"But I can't do it by myself, I need something to count! Hey, look at all these cracks in the ceiling! One, two, 3, 4..."

Everyone waited patiently while Brian, unhindered by his changing from words to digits in counting, counted the cracks in the ceiling.

"39, 40, 41!! There are Forty-One cracks in the ceiling!"

After everyone let out a distressed "Argh!" that sounded like a fast-leaking tire at about the same time, Keolah grabbed Brian by his shirt collar and hissed, "Listen, bub, when I say count to 42, YOU COUNT TO 42!!! GOT IT??!!!!"

"But there aren't any more cracks in the ceiling! And I don't like it very much when all my friends speak in capital letters, either."

"Fine." started Keolah. "Are you Sure that you counted All of the cracks in the ceiling?"

"Well, there was that one over there, but it was more on the wall than on the ceiling..."

Keolah followed his outstreched finger to a slightly larger crack in the wall, above the tapestry. She then used a nearby ladder to climb up to the cracked wall/ceiling and looked carefully inside...

"Hey, there's a button in here!"

"Keolah, don't press that button!"

"Oh, be quiet, Quiz. You're much too cautious." She then reached inside and pressed the button...

At that point, several things happened simutaniously, so I'll hit each one seperately to avoid confusion.

1: A very loud siren sounded, causing Keolah to fall off of the ladder, but onto her feet, startled.

2: All of the people in the room got very wet.

3: Brian thought, "Hmmm...If Ivana marries Jeff Goldblum before Neil Diamond...

" 4: Gally noticed that the text on the back of the Map that Sara was carrying was rather had to read, and said, "Wait, the map's upside-down!"

5: Finally, Quiz said, "That's the Fire Alarm!"

After these events, Quiz used his keypad built into his wrist to stop the painful ringing and the irragation of the room.

Everyone, nearly needless to say, was pretty shaken. But Sara finally said, "Wait, if the map's upside down, then 42 would be upside-down too!"

Everyone firmly agreed with this logic. Thus, they ordered Brian to count again, this time stopping at the 24th crack in the ceiling. Still pointing at it, Keolah went up and investagated the fissure...

(by T.C. Chavez, Quizmaster 4.0)

Keolah reaches into the crack in the ceiling. "Um, guys..." she says tentatively.

"What have you found?" asks Quiz impatiently.

"Cobwebs, spiderwebs, spiders, termites," Keolah lists, rummaging her hand in the disgusting crack. "Ants, hinge, dust bunnies, lint..."

"Nothing useful," sighs Gally.

"Wait, did you say hinge?" Sarah Kathryn blurts.

"Yeah, I--" suddenly, all the gunk in the crack falls onto Keolahís head. The second Hinge clatters to the ground, still covered in lint, cobwebs, etc.

"Yuck," Keolah grunts, climbing down off the ladder. "I need a shower," she mutters. Keolah looks meaningfully at the fire alarm. "Good as any."

"Keolah, donít--" Quizís protests are ignored as Keolah triggers the fire alarm again.

"Aaaah!" Keolah washes her hair in the cold spray. "Okay, you can turn it off now."

Quiz shuts off the fire alarm and everyone unplugs their ears.

(by Keolah)

Sara sighs. "Great. Now I'm wet. Oh, well..." She rummages around in her backpack (aka her pocket dimension) for a towel.

Her hand touches an aspirin bottle... three notebooks... two textbooks... a bottle of bubbles... playing cards... "Where is it?" she mutters. She pushes aside a piece of wood with a keyhole in it... Carmex... pens and pencils... umbrellla... "Now where was that when I needed it?" she demands of thin air. "Ah-HA! Here's my towel!"

She quickly dries off and stuffs the towel back into her "backpack".

(by Sara F)

Keolah, dripping wet, turns to Sara. "You got a hair dryer in there?"

"Um..." Sara looks back into her pocket-universe.

"This could take a while," groans Keolah. "Hey, what happened to the Tapestry?"

For the cheap cloth had apparently changed under the thorough soaking, revealing...

(by Keolah)

...another tapestry! Everyone groans. "Another tapestry!" Quiz sighs. "We didn't even know what to do with the first one!" They all stand and stare at the design for a while, a picture of a knight jousting with a living, fire-breathing...door.

Finally, Cat speaks up. "Guys, I think this is another clue."

"I doubt it," says Sarah Kathryn. "We found this too easily. It just doesn't seem as though we'd get such obvious clues. This," she continues as she walks over to the door to prove her point, "is just a coincidence."

Satisfied that, somehow, her point has been made, Sarah Kathryn leans against the illustration of the door.

It opens, and Sarah Kathryn falls through.

Lauren smiles. "You should have listened to Cat..."

(by Sarah Kathryn)

As the door falls away, everyone gasps... for not five feet away sits a beautifully white sparkling toilet... Quiz rushes forward to plant a kiss and right before he leans down he crashes into--something what was that?--bumps his head and falls to the floor unconscious...

Kale steps forward analyzing the red liquid that seems to levitating in thin air. Wiping her finger on it, she then sucks it. "Quiz's blood." she says. Then- "Plexiglass."

Plexiglass? But not just any plexiglass....

(OH! so close and yet so far....)

(by Kale)

It is super high-density magically-enhanced Plexiglass!

"Great," moans Keolah.

The semi-conscious Quiz just moans.

"Hey, isnít that an open door over there?" notices Sara.

For, indeed, there was a doorway on the opposite side of the enchanted Plexiglass, minus the door. There was also some blue blood staining the floor past the doorway.

"That must be the place we met Kyla," observes Gally.

Everyone looks to Kyla. "Whatís everyone looking at me for? I just work here, and not even that anymore!"

(by Keolah)

Brian, while pensively sampling Quiz's blood (it's a little tart for human blood, but that's perfectly fine), begins to think aloud, hoping that someone will hear him.

"So," he begins. "We have this hinge. We have this/these tapestry(s). What, exactly, are we lookng for now?"

Sara F shrugs (like usual) and contemplates running for President. Sarah Kathryn, half-occupied with "interesting" homework, begins to hop up and down on her left foot. Quiz whips out his Game Boy and fires up a Final Fantasy Legend cartridge. Kelly contemplates her toes and then considers holding a coversation with the wall. Kale searches her pockets for the deed for a certain piece of property. Gally compares a Canadian quarter with an American one, and eventually decides that milled edges are ugly. Brian continues to ramble pointlessly.


Suddenly, Robert Plant shoots out of a nearby purple hole and howls, "I don't know but I found out what it means to be down and out!" Then he disappears.

Brian again inquires as to what, for the sake of the purplemonkeydishwasher, is going on!!! And he's really depressed because he has nothing creative to add, because he has no idea what's going on, because nothing makes sense like usual, which is good.

(by BrianS)

Gally then looked at Brian and said, "Don't you ever read our journal on this Saga?!!"


"Yes, that thing that you just wrote in!"

"Oh, THAT journal..."

Brian then (since he knew what was good for him...) re-read all of the that were typ...written into the journal.

"Oh, now I see...we're looking for the seven pieces of the Bathroom door so that Quiz has the privacy to..."

"Yes," said Gally. "And I have the feeling that we'd better hurry, Quiz Has been holding it in for the last four days."

"Yeah, you can't even see the writing where I have to go under the "last three days of the journal" setting anymore..." Quiz added.

Kale started investagating the thick, transparent PlexiGlass door, finally finding a small inscription near a keyhole...

Kale called Quiz over to confirm this, and using his magnification scope, read...

"Seek ye the Seven pieces of the Bathroom Door and place them in the place of honor on the far wall...then the Ruby Key will appear and the Door shall be unlocked."

Sara took one hinge and Sarah took the other, and they placed them in the outline of the Bathroom Door, under the Knight, which Sarah observed. Suddenly, the hinges glowed a warming orange color and were transformed into solid gold...

All were silenced by this act, with the exception of Kale, who was walking around, mumbling, "He replaced me with a Door?"

"Kale, what's the third clue?" asked Lauren.

"The third clue? It's a puzzling clue..."

"You don't remember it?"

"No, it's a puzzling clue..."

(by T.C. Chavez, Quizmaster 4.0)

Yes, yes a puzzling third clue...

"Well," Kale began clearing her throat. "This is what we know; mushrooms grow in the dark and cannibals are allergic to slinkies. We can get out and across a canyon in about 42 different ways. Someone stole Superman's clothes (which there was a door piece in that most of us dismissed as rubble... hmm...) and the tapestry room makes for a great shower. And we are still missing five or six pieces of the door, none of which the map has helped us locate?"

"Don't forget that lovely pit stop at my beach-house in Iowa" Brian smirked. Kale and the others wisely ignored him.

"I asked a question," sighed Lauren.

"She's got a point" Quiz guzzles, his skin growing more and more yellow each day.

"The third clue? Well let me begin by saying that sweating is just as efficient a way of dumping excess fluids from the body as going to the bathroom..."

Kate interrupts "KALE! THE CLUE!"

Kale sighed, "Can't you see I'm trying to stall? This is indeed an enigma and props to whoever figures it out. But my idea of the third clue would have to come from this newspaper article I've been toting along ever since this whole thing began, which on the back reads:

Pieces of the Seventh Fractured Door
Never Ever Ever Ever Ever
will you find them

"What's the footnote?" Sara asks.

"Oh, a footnote!" Kale exclaims. "I never noticed that..."

(by Kale)

Keolah wishes she could strangle whoever designed Evermore Castle until she remembers that THEY designed it. Crazy forumers make poor architects, apparently.

"The footnote says," begins Kale.

Suddenly, two Evil Smurfs and an Evil Smurfette storm into the room, bent on revenge for their slain kin.

"Not again!" moans Gally.

"Wake up, Quiz!" Keolah shakes him.

"Wha..." groans Quiz.

(by Keolah)

Sara rummages around in her backpack. She manages to find a small knife with which to defend herself. In the process, she comes across that lovely piece of wood which she picked up back at the telephone booth. "Oh!" she exclaims. "Glad I had this! It'll make a decent shield... I think." She examines it and finds something which looks an awful lot like a door-handle--not a knob, but... You know! One of those things you can hold onto more easily than a knob! Sure enough, it makes a wonderful shield as she tries to survive the ambush.

(by Sara F)

Kelly, having received no answer from the wall regarding the fact that she thought Kyla, not Kale, was the Gatekeeper, decides that there are more important things to think about--such as, the subject at hand, which, in case you have forgotten, is the two Evil Smurfs and the one Evil Smurfette that had so rudely barged in not one moment ago.

Then, after re-reading her previous sentence and realizing that it is a ramble of which she can be proud of, procedes to join the fight. Looking around for something with which to protect herself, she happens to glance over at Sara and notice the handy shield that she is using. At which point she has a revelation about what it is, much to the amazement of all the people that thought she was extremely random and unable to think in a logical manner.

"SARA!" she shouts, trying to be heard over the noise of the brawl, "don't lose that thing!"

Of course, Sara, who is engaged in a battle with the Smurfette, not only does not know what Kelly means, she doesn't really care because she is occupied with trying not to lose something much more important; namely, her life.

However, much to her credit, she calmly realizes that this is a generally nonviolent story, not to mention virtual, and therefore she will not die. So, staring evily at the Evil Smurfette she menacingly tells her to shut up and be still, for she needs to have a word with Kelly. The Evil Smurfette, not accustomed to being yelled at, stops fighting and stares at Sara disbelievingly.

"You heard her," Kelly says, glaring at the blue creature. "Go away."

Amazingly enough, she does.

Paul: You owe me for that one!

"Right, Paul," Kelly agrees, nodding. Then she turns to Sara, who is standing nearby holding her doorknob-which-isn't-really-a-doorknob-thingy (you know what I mean), and looking quite surprised at the power of her evil stare. "Sara," Kelly says loudly, "that thing you're holding is not a shield, but a part of the Door!"

At which point all the forumers, as well as the two Evil Smurfs and one Evil Smurfette, turn around and stare at her blankly.

(by Kelly)

Sara blinks in surprise. "This old thing? I thought it was just a piece of rubble I picked up back at that telephone booth Keolah was in. Wow!"

(by Sara F)

Keolah stares incomprehensibly at Sara and the shield/Door/whatever. "What was Superman doing with a Piece of the Bathroom Door?"

"Maybe he had to go too," suggested Quiz, who was obviously getting near the end of his endurance.

Meanwhile, one of the Evil Smurfs is turning green. Wondering why the Evil Smurf is turning green, Keolah asks, "Why are you turning green?"

"Iím turning green because yellow and blue makes green," replies the Evil Smurf. "I need to use this facility also."

"Oh," mutters Keolah, scratching her head.

"Yeah," the Smurfette adds. "The new Gatekeeper told us to find the Seven Pieces of the Bathroom Door, but we found only two."

"Maybe we could work together then," Sara suggests.

(by Keolah)

"Well," Cat points out, "If that shield Sara has is part of the door, then we have three pieces... And if you guys have two, that makes five. Only two more to go!"

"Yeah," Sara says thoughtfully. "If we all work together I'll bet we can find those two... What are we missing, anyway?"

The Forumers and the Smurfs (and Smurfette) all drag out their pieces of the Door and discover that they're missing the "Restroom" sign and a large piece of wood.

Sara grins. "I bet I know where we can find a 'Restroom' sign!" She runs down the hall to the women's room which the Forumers had previously found and which still had a line five hundred miles long inside, mostly made up of little old ladies with funny expressions on their faces and desperately crossed legs. Sure enough, there's a "Restroom" sign on the door. She snatches it and runs back to the Tapestry room.

"There. Now we just need that last piece of wood."

(by Sara F)

Dr. Kristine sends a message out over her Slinkey Tracking Device. "It's hard to hear over the static, but I think I have an idea where it is. Remember that library we all started out in? I think it's somewhere in there...."

They all groan, and start the long walk up stairs. Brian, getting bored, decides to count the floors. 1 floor, 2 floors, 3 floors, 4 floors --only 10 to go!-- 5 floors... uh oh...

Blocking the stairway, is a whole army of Planet ------ers, Planet _______'s worst enemy! The one standing in front seems to be their leader. Everyone gasps as they relize he's stolen the purplemonkeydishwasher, and is about to blast them!

(by Kristine)

Keolah draws her sword and runs screaming forward, slips on a banana peel, and falls smack into her friends, who go tumbling down six flights of stairs and end up in the basement.

"Ow..." moans Keolah.

"Nice going, Keo," muttered Quiz.

"Sorry," Keolah apologizes. "At least the Planet ------ers are still up on the fifth floor, or wherever it was we were. Hey, I just thought of something! I think Iíve got enough mana now to make a teleport!"

The Smurfs cheer, but the forumers look at her skeptically remembering where they ended up last time she attempted to teleport, and are therefore not particularly partial towards Keolahís re-attempting the magic which last placed them in the dungeon.

Nevertheless, Keolah starts the spell before anybody can stop her, and in a puff of smoke, Smurfs and forumers end up someplace else...

(by Keolah)

...the garden maze. In every direction, as far as the eye could see, there were seven-foot-tall hedges, arranged into pathways--except in the center of the clearing, where there was a huge tree-sculpture depicting, on one side, a smiley face, and on the other side, Mister Yuck.

Sarah Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Good job, Keolah," she sighed. "Can you teleport us back out now?"

Keolah shifted her weight a few times, and answered that no, she couldn't, "because I'm almost out of mana."

Kate spoke up. "Does anyone here know their way around the maze?"

"I know my way out from the middle," Kale said, "but we're not in the middle."

"Okay," Brian said as he began kicking at the bottom of the hortisculpture, "does anyone have any ideas about how we get out of here?"

(by Sarah Kathryn)

Seeing as there was no immediate way to extracate themselves from the situation, all the forumers (except Quiz and Keolah) immediately sat down and started playing a game of cards. Quiz was too busy trying to hold it in, and Keolah had drawn her sword and was trying to figure out how to get out.

"Well," Keolah began, pointing her sword this way and that. "I have barely enough mana left to do a Seeking. Whatís the shortest route to the library?" She cast a complicated spell, spun around, and ended with her sword pointing directly into the hedge. "Itís this way. Letís go."

"And how do you propose to get through that?" wondered Sara, looking up from her hand. Kale was leaning over to look at Saraís cards.

"Um..." Keolah wondered. "I really donít know. Maybe we could climb over the hedge."

Sara noticed Kaleís peeking and slapped her. Then a wind came along and blew the entire deck of cards away.

(by Keolah)

Kale held her hand to her face where the red began to spread across her skin.

"Jeez, it was only go fish!" she said. "But I guess I deserved that."

"What do you mean?" asked Sara.

"You really don't want to know..." Kale squirmed uncomfortably.

"Oh come one," Kate sighed.

The group was growing impatient.

"Well," Kale began. "The thing is, I don't think we're going to find the bathroom door at the library?"

"Oh? And why not?" demanded Keolah after having used up some of her energy trying to locate the library...

"Well... the thing is... that last piece of the bathroom door... I think I inadvertantly swallowed it."

"So," said Brian. "Easy. We cut you open." He grabs for Keolah's sword.

"No," said Kale weakly. "This was a couple of days ago."

"So? Where's the door piece?"

"Where else would it be? The bathroom."

Quiz's color changed from putrid yellow to ultraviolet.

(by Kale)

Keolah suddenly bursts into flames in frustration. Remembering her lessons in school, she stops, drops, and rolls until the fire is put out. Having calmed down again, she climbs to her feet and gives Kale a withering glare.

"How about I just do a seeking for the door piece?" she suggests.

All the forumers slap their heads that they didnít think of that sooner. "Couldnít you have done seekings for all the pieces?" wonders Gally incredulously.

"Actually yes," Keolah admits. "Itís a little late for that now, donít you think?"

"I thought you were nearly out of mana..." Sarah Kathryn begins.

"I am," Keolah tells her. "But I drank too much Mountain Dew a while back and now need to go as well. I think weíre all getting desperate at this point. So, letís find this fewkin piece of door even if it kills me!"

Stubbornly, Keolah does a seeking for the door piece. She spins around, sword pointing outward, and ends up with the sword pointing straight down.

"Great," groans Sara. "The piece of door is in the sewers."

(by Keolah)

Once again, it's time to move on to the next part... Back to the Works of the Forum