Participants in the posted portion of this story:
A little about the setting: This story is set in the imaginary castle in which the members of the WritersBBS Young Writers Forum live. Well, it started out that way, anyway. We each have either our own room or someplace in the secret passages, and there's always room for just one more room...
Sara, having reached the bottom of the stairs which lead up to her tower bedroom, glances around quickly. Seeing Brian coming, she leans up against the wall and pretends to be looking at a portrait until he is out of sight. She looks around again. Seeing no one this time, she turns to the wall and presses five bricks in a very specific order. A section of the wall opens up momentarily, sliding shut again as soon as she has passed into the tunnel beyond. She hurries through musty corridors, brushing cobwebs out of her way and squinting in the flickering torchlight, until she reaches a small room. A familiar form steps out of the shadows. She smiles and greets...
(by Sara F)
...Gally who invites Sara into the secret library, which is much larger than it really appears. Stairs, ladders, and walkways spiral high towards the ceiling at dizzying heights. But their attention is drawn from the room when the subject of a dark figure rushes by the door. As the footsteps fade down the hall Gally and Sara chase after to investigate who has trespassed in their domain.
Anyone could easily get lost in the labyrinthine passageways if he didn't know its mysteries. It would be very unnerving for either of the two if they should ever come upon the skeleton of an unsuspecting forumer who had innocently entered the secret passageways. Hoping that the figure was not a ghost frantically re-living its last moments of hoping to find an escape, the two closed in on the figure.
They watched as the figure made a right turn towards the Hall of Silence, they slowed their pace, knowing the figure would be trapped. The Hall of Silence, the origin of all words and thoughts, and of the random purple hole, was nothing but a small room painted with a thick disturbing black. Anyone who enters will be immediately entranced. It was a place where Gally and Sara gained their knowledge, and insight. They had gained control of their minds there, and were able to master the effect of the Hall of Silence.
As they turned the corner to follow...
(by Gally)
As they turned the corner they bumped into Brian, who seemed to be carrying a book of nauseating thickness. Behind him, a purple hole was disintegrating, indicating the method of transportation that Brian used to arrive in the mysterious hall.
"Hi guys, howsitgoin?" he asked.
"Hey Brian," Gally said. "What are you here for?"
Brian looked despondantly at the book he was carrying. "Well, I have to read 450 pages over the next 72 hours in this....THING...so I figured the Hall of Silence would be a great escape from my annoying family members. Actually-" (he removed a severed arm from his purple jacket) "-I already took care of my brother, but the rest of them are still around, and..."
Brian's voice pinwheeled off into the vastness of the hall as he noticed Sara F, staring at him rather indignantly. Her eyes were squinted unevenly, and on the whole her disposition was approaching sinister.
"You see, Brian," she said, "I was trying to start a story about our castle. And you just ruined the mysterious atmosphere with your clowning around and useless rambling about Charles Dickens!"
"Oh," Brian says, switching momentarily into the present tense, which is more comfortable for him to write in. "I'm sorry, I guess I'll go warp somewhere else to read."
A purple hole materializes, and Brian does a double-reverse-somersault with a half twist into the violet void.
Meanwhile, Sara changed back to the past tense. Then she began to laugh maniacally.
"Oh my," she said. "That was really funny."
Gally looked at her quizzically.
"If you say so," she said.
(by BrianS)
Sara finally managed to control her hyena-like laughter after about six or seven hours. Later, the incredible ease in which she stopped laughing was attributed to Gally having said, "You know, it wasn't that funny," and a passing landlord saying, "It's called the Hall of Silence for a reason, Sara."
Suddenly, Sara stopped laughing and spun around in a resorceful, yet elegant, about face. There, she saw the form of a person that all of the tenants of the castle knew, the man that took 10% of their multi-million dollar royalties in exchange for them to live in the elegant Evermore Palace. Quite a bargain, as Evermore palace was voted "Best Palace in the State" sixty-five million and three years in a row.
This person was quietly passing through the hall, brandishing an M-16 at his right side. He was a nice, quiet person, so everyone was nice and quiet to him in return. He had also just gotten back from using the Shop-Vac to clean a rather messy room.
Sara fell back and said, "Ok, Ok, I'll stop."
The Quizmaster replied, "Oh. Sorry." and placed the rifle behind him. "I'm sorry if I startled you with this. Trent needed a little help polishing his armory."
"All in a day's work, huh?" Gally stated.
"Well, I knew when I came to this palace that I'd have to clean up all the messes that everyone else made."
Both Sara and Gally cast their eyeballs up toward heaven as another visitor entered the scene, running around the room very swiftly.
"I have to go!!"
"Oh, right, I almost forgot about you, Lauren. Sare, Gally, do you know the way to the Women's room?"
"Well, not offhand, but if you hum a few bars..." Gally responded.
"Hmm... this sounds like a quest of epic proportions!" stated Sara. "We shall not rest until we have found..."
"..The Way to the Women's Room!" they all stated in unison.
(by T.C. Chavez, Quizmaster 4.0)
"Well," Sara said, having switched to past tense when everyone else did even though she could have sworn she started out in present, "I think it might be this way..." And she turned to her left with an attitude of leadership, something incredibly uncharictaristic of her. She led her friends through the twists and turns of the secret passageway system hidden in and beneath the castle until she came to a particular door marked "Ladies".
"There, I told you so," she said, smiling. But when she pushed open the door so that Lauren could go inside, the small company saw that there was a line of women five miles (what is that, eight kilometers?) long waiting for the restroom. And there was only one stall...
"Uh, maybe not," Sara said. "Sorry, Lauren... Anyone else have any ideas?"
(by Sara F)
From the dark recesses of silence fluttered a piece of paper, a newspaper article.
The occupants of the castle who were at this point close to suffering urrhea poisoning (sorry it's graphic!) clasped the thin paper.
It recounted an event which had occured at the theater the previous evening, in which women, annoyed by long lines at their restroom, had gone to the unlined men's room and subsequently been arrested for violating the strict black line between the sexes.
After a jailbreak the next day, the city was stormed by angry females and men's rooms were ripped apart, strewn with toilet paper, urinals burning in the streets...
Hmmm...
(by Kale)
As Lauren, Sara, Gally, Quiz, and Brian gape at the line of women stretched out before them, a figure ambles down the hall. She appears to be lost in thought, and is mumbling to herself about the inconvenient habit her cat has of laying across the keyboard when she is trying to type. Stopping suddenly, she notices the cluster of people standing just outside the Ladies' restroom. They are talking amongst themselves, as clusters of people are wont to do.
At this point, Kelly approaches them. "Hello, everyone," she says, smiling widely. "Why do you all look so confused?"
"Umm, Kelly, you have something stuck in your teeth," someone volunteers. Kelly fails to notice who, because she is busy trying to remove the piece of food.
"I really hate chicken," she mutters to herself, finally succeeding in getting rid of the bit in her mouth.
"What?" Brian asks quickly, preparing to be insulted.
"Never mind," she replies. "Now, will someone please explain to me what is going on?"
As the story unfolds, Kelly's face turns grim. She glances at Lauren, who is currently hopping around in circles. As the group of forumers look at her hopefully, praying for a miracle, Kelly's face brightens.
"I have an idea," she says slowly.
(by Kelly)
"The outhouse!" Kelly exclaims.
(by Gally)
Sara gapes at Kelly. "Where do you get these wonderful ideas? Of course the outhouse. I'm surprised no one thought of it earlier!" She pauses. "Uh... Anyone know where the outhouse is?"
A dreadful silence envelopes the group.
(by Sara F)
Just then, Dr. Kristine, who's been silently following the whole time, speaks up. "I know where the outhouse is! I just performed brain surgery on it this morning. (It thought it was a microwave, poor thing!)"
Taking the lead, she directs everybody into the beautiful glass elevator. They go only a floor and a half down, with two more to go, when the elevator gets stuck....
(by Kristine)
Just when things are looking desperate, Keolah teleports in to save the day. "I shall teleport you all to safety!" she declares. Without preamble, she starts casting a complicated spell. Suddenly, the entire ensemble ends up someplace entirely different. Unfortunately, it isn’t the outhouse.
It’s the dungeon.
"Wonderful, Keolah," Sara grumbles. "Now look what you’ve gotten us into."
"I really gotta go, guys," Lauren complains.
"I see... I’m sure I had the key around here someplace," Keolah scratches her head. "Darn, I must have left it back at home. I’ll be right back, I promise."
She teleports away, leaving the group clustered in a dungeon cell...
(by Keolah)
"Now what will we do?" asked Sara. "We're trapped like rats in this desolate place!"
"There, there, Sara," Gally said, bracing Sara's head with her shoulder, "We'll find a way out of here."
"Hmmm..." hummed Brian.
Dr. Kristine sat in the cell's corner and thought to herself quietly.
"Wait a minute!" Brian exclaimed. "Use the M-16 to open the door!"
"Hey, that's just crazy enough to work..." mumbled Quiz. Carefully, the inhabitants of Evermore Palace braced themselves as far from the door as possible.
"Here it comes!"
Rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-click-click-click...
"It's still shut!" bellowed Sara.
"Oh, we're doomed to die here." said Quiz. "It's all my fault. If only I had known how to get to the women's room..."
He walked towards the door and leaned on it, a tear in his eye. Then he had a speck of dirt in his eye as the door swung open and he fell outside of the cell.
"We're free!" exclaimed just about everyone, briskly running out of the cell.
"Sorry, guys. I can't find the k..." started a flash of white light beaming into the cell. However, the previous inhabitants had just shut the door behind them, leaving Keolah trapped behind the bars.
"All right," said Quiz, beyond earshot of the cell, "Time to find a way outta here."
(by T.C. Chavez, Quizmaster 4.0)
"The stairs, silly," Gally chided Quiz. "Over there."
Everyone's eyes followed Gally's finger to the drape hanging over the wall.
"Oh yeah," Sara said, and they watched in awe as she disappeared through the carpet.
She poked her head back out, posing as a mounted trophy. "An illusion," she said smiling.
"Let's go," Dr. Kristine said. "Lauren can only hold it for so long."
"Don't SAY that!" Lauren nearly yelled, and they were on their way into the dark staircase. As they continued their ascent, the light continued to grow dimmer, and dimmer.
"Wish we had a flashlight or a candle," Brian grumbled, a little depressed that the M-16 had failed to free them.
It wasn't very long before they could no longer see anything except a thick darkness.
"Uh, guys?" Quiz asked. "There's something furry here."
(by Gally)
Gally reached out and touched the fur, and a small light went on directly overhead. The fur had turned out to belong to the statue of Cornelius, resident castle mascot. "We must be in his shrine!" Sara declared. "Now where do we go from here?"
As Lauren continued hopping around the room, and as Brian continued getting strange flashbacks of a certain meeting he had with a certain other memeber of the forum, a voice spoke up from the shadows: "Where do you want to go today?"
Then Sarah Kathryn turned off the television, stepped out of the shadows, and apologized for even watching the Microsoft commercial they'd just overheard, adding, "What are you all doing down here, anyway?"
"Finding the outhouse," Quiz answered. "You haven't got a spare one lying around, have you?"
"Actually, I do," Sarah Kathryn (who was getting tired of typing out her whole name) answered. She melted into the shadows and reappeared behind them in the next moment, carrying a tall, blue plastic box-type thing. Setting it on the floor, she asked, "will a port-a-potty work?"
(by Sarah Kathryn)
Meanwhile, Keolah had shrunk herself down to the size of a mouse in order to slip out between the bars of the cell. Unfortunately, she found herself unable to resume elven form, so took the next best course: she turned into a housecat.
Hissing at Cornelius, she followed the group around for a while and tried to warn them of a trap ahead, but, as cats cannot speak, she was unable to warn them in time.
The entire group slid sceaming down a garbage chute, deeper into the dungeon. Seeing as she had nothing better to do, Keolah followed, still in feline form.
(by Keolah)
Keolah then woke up, refreshed at having a wonderfully twisted dream about changing form.
Meanwhile, Lauren was immensely relieved at the sudden appearance of Sarah Kathryn and her Outhouse.
"Thank you so much, Sarah Kathryn!" she cried, and then proceeded to tackle the poor forumer with a great bear hug:
"You're certainly welcome," replied Sarah Kathryn, and then proceeded to hop up and down on one foot to show Lauren how it was done.
In the other corner, meanwhile, Quiz was still wondering how on earth to escape from everything.
"I mean," he blurted out, "this castle is our creation, is it not? So why can't we just get out?"
The rest of the group apparently did not hear them, for they were thinking up far more creative adventures that they could have in their own castle. Brian was engaged in some bizarre form of meditation, and appeared to be spinning around in circles while hovering a few inches off the ground. Sarah Kathryn was busily engaged sucking her thumb. Sara F was busy talking to MAC, who was temporarily invisible. Kelly seemed to be having fun explaining to Kristine how her bed was blown up by the Terminator, and Gally was engaged in a profound philosophical discussion with Tony the Tiger.
"Okay," Quiz delcared. "I got next on the outhouse."
"Cropolokojeisillleeeeee," Brian muttered quietly, causing a Twinkie to appear somewhere near the center of the room.
Suddenly, Tony the Tiger burst into flames, a victim of spontaneous combustion. But this gave someone an idea....
(by BrianS)
Keolah locates her magic sword and runs screaming after Brian, who runs from her... They run all the way to Istandul, where Darth Vader is practicing his skateboarding while wearing a kilt (official tartan of the clan Skywalker) and a nearby ogre is kissing an X-Files poster.
"No! No! I take it back!" yells Brian.
"Surrender or die!" bellows Keolah.
Then, mercifully, Keolah decided to forgive Brian, since she cannot change shape anyway. That's Madrak’s bailiwick. Keolah's own personal magic is Seeking (hence the title, Keolah the Seeker).
Therefore she works her magic of Seeking and locates the outhouse... Now, where did Lauren run off to, anyway?
(by Keolah)
As Kelly throws her arms up in frustration at Dr. Kristine, who cannot seem to believe her Terminator story, Gally is wondering why Tony the Tiger just blew up. But before she can ask what happened, the outhouse blows up, too. Fortunately, Lauren had just exited it, so she is still safe. Unfortunately, Quiz now has to go to the bathroom. Of course, he knows the way to the Men's room...but not from where they are at the moment. In fact, all of the forumers are quite lost.
*PAUSE*
Narrator: Hi. Sorry, to interrupt, but I've been meaning to introduce myself for a while. I'm the Narrator, as you can see. But I hate to be called "the Narrator." I fond it very impersonal. My name is Paul. Nice to meet you. Anyway, regarding the story, I happen to know that there is another secret passage in this room. If someone would kindly lean against the wall, discover a jutted out stone, and tap it three times, they would find a secret door leading to a plethora of empty bathrooms. How do I know this, you ask? Well, I'm the Narrator. It's my job to know these things.
*UNPAUSE*
Gally, in shock about her tiger, leans against the wall, discovers a jutted out stone, taps it three times, and finds a secret door.
*PAUSE*
Paul: With a little help from me.
*UNPAUSE*
"Look!" Dr. Kristine cries. "The door says 'Bathrooms'!"
"Hurray!" Kelly exclaims, pushing the door open wide. Walking in triumphantly, she is immediately knocked unconscious by a blow to the head.
*PAUSE*
Paul: Oh, gee, did I forget to mention the prescence of an evil smurf who lives in the bathroom and attacks anybody who walks in the door?
Kelly, opening her eyes, glares at Paul menacingly. "Thanks a LOT!"
Paul: Shut up, Kelly. You're supposed to be unconscious.
"Oh, right." Kelly closes her eyes, and promptly regains unconsciousness.
Paul: Sheesh, I should get a bonus for having to deal with this temperamental brat.
A short, fat, balding man (AKA the Boss), walks into the room frowning.
Short, Fat, Balding Man Holding a Cigar (AKA the Boss): Excuse me, Paul!
Paul: (startled) What?!
Short, Fat, Balding Man Holding a Cigar (AKA the Boss): (snidely) Didn't you forget something?
Paul: What do you mean, Short, Fat, Bald---uh, I mean, Boss?
Short, Fat, Balding Man Holding a Cigar (AKA the Boss): The green button on your right. Press it.
Paul: Oh, yeah, I forgot. *presses button*
*UNPAUSE*
Short, Fat, Balding Man Holding a Cigar: Oh, and Paul? Forget about a bonus.
The short, fat, balding man holding a cigar then leaves the room, leaving Paul to utter his deep and meaningful reply to empty air.
Paul: Oh.
(by Kelly)
"Great." said Quiz. "All that's standing in the way of the bathroom is an evil smurf."
"We must confront it!" said Gally, unhesitatingly.
"Must this all end in violence?" asked Quiz.
"Of course!" replied Gally.
The party enters the fight scene! *RPG battle music starts*
EvilSmurf throws a punch! 23 HP damage done to Brian!
Sara casts Heal on Brian! Brian restores 46 HP!
Gally casts Fire Two! EvilSmurf takes 56 HP damage! FlammableCarpet takes 455 HP damage!
Quiz uses the M-16's grenade! EvilSmurf takes 77 HP damage!
Brian thought to himself!
EvilSmurf laughs a high-pitched and annoying laugh! Dr. Kristine is deafened!
Brian says, "Hmmm...if Ivana Trump marries Neil Diamond, she'd be Ivana Diamond..."
Keolah viciously slashes EvilSmurf with her claws! 43 HP damage done to EvilSmurf!
Dr. Kristine throws Electric Fan at Evil Smurf! 123 HP damage done to EvilSmurf!
Quiz casts Lightning on EvilSmurf! 89 HP damage done to EvilSmurf!
Paul says, "Shut up, Brian!"
Brian says, "Hmmm...If Ivana divorces Neil Diamond and marries Jack Nicalus, she'd be Ivana Diamond Nicalus..."
Gally fires her crossbow! 44 HP damage done to EvilSmurf!
EvilSmurf is destroyed!
Party gains 344 Experience Points!
Party gains 2 Ability Points!
Party gains 3 Happy Smile Points!
Party gains 8 Tenderness Points!
Party gains 10 Extra Credit Points!
Quiz learns Lightning Two!
Brian learns that if Ivana divorces Neil Diamond and Jack Nicalus and marries James Darling, she'd be Ivana
Diamond Nicalus Darling!
*music stops*
"Phew!" says Sara. "All right, Quiz, you'd better go."
"Um...I suggest that we go somewhere else, real fast..."
"Why, Quiz?"
"Because you set the Carpet on fire!"
"Arrrgh!" replied just about everyone.
(by T.C. Chavez, Quizmaster 4.0)
But just as the party turns to flee the ferociously flaming futon that it mistook for a carpet because the meaning of alliteration is lost on everyone, the door slams shut...slam!
Brian jumps, startled out of his meditation on the possible future names of Ivana Trump. Everybody else turns to face the flaming futon.
"You doing okay, Quiz?" Gally asks sympathetically as she startes intently at the flaming futon.
"Well, it depends on your definition of okay."
"DiamondNicklausTrumped turnips in green fields....." mutters Brian, counting on his fingers.
"Would you please shut....." Sara would have exploded at Brain, had the flaming futon been consistent and remained orange, instead of going eerie green.
The party stares in horror (all except Brian who looks indignantly at Sara) as out of the green fire of the flaming futon emerges the Gatekeeper of the Lavatory of Evermore Palace.
"I" she says in an echo-y voice "am the Gatekeeper of the Lavatory of Evermore Palace."
As the party stares in awe, the green person floating in flames says, no longer echoing, "but you can call me Kyla."
The party breathes a sigh of relief. The Gatekeeper realises that breeding familiarity at this early stage in the relationship is imprudent, so, resuming the echo, she says, "Step forward, Quizmaster."
He sidles up....very carefully.
"Art thou the one?" says the Gatekeeper.
"The one what?" says quiz, really peed off that this silly female won't get out of his way.
"The one that must venture forth into the great unknown."
"You mean the bathroom? I know the bathroom: sinks and WCs and stuff."
"DO NOT MAKE LIGHT OF THE UNKNOWN, MORTAL!" thunders the gatekeeper. Quiz rolls his eyes, far past being brought to fear. Keolah growls. Brian continues to count on his fingers.
"You must go on a quest, before you are permitted to enter the sacred zones of the Evermore." Quiz looks at the Gatekeeper in horror. The Gatekeeper smiles smugly.
(by Kyla)
Keolah, who had previously been unaware of her feline nature, (actually elves are part cat anyway) becomes irritated and wishes she knew where Hawthorne ran off to, before realizing, to her distaste, that Hawthorne wasn't even in this particular story.
"Snarl, hiss, growl," Keolah muttered. "Thy evil plans shall fail. I shall brave the unknown, for I am a victim of too much Mountain Dew!"
Keolah plunges forward into the darkness, runs into the Gatekeeper, and rubs her nose.
"Okay, what’s the quest, may I ask?"
"You may not," thunders the Gatekeeper.
"Huh?" mutters Keolah, scratching her head. "Why not?"
"You are an elf. Only a human may ask what the quest is."
"Oh," grumbles Keolah, dejected. "Will some human please ask what the quest is? I’d REALLY like to know."
(by Keolah)
"So," said kale, stretching as she awoke from quite a loooooooooooong nap to startling the company she was in, which to this point had not been aware of the full size human being snoring at their feet. "What's the quest?"
(by Kale)
The Gatekeeper opened his massive mouth and declared: "You must gather together the seven pieces of the Bathroom Door, without which you would have not the privacy necessary to--well, you know."
"I see," murmured Keolah. "And where might we find these seven pieces of the Bathroom Door?"
"That you must discover for yourselves," thundered the Gatekeeper. "Return here with the reassembled Bathroom Door, and you may brave the dangers of the unknown."
(by Keolah)
As all of this unfolds, Brian quietly inquires of his toes, "Where did all the other characters go?"
Then he reaches for the toenail clipper.
(by Brian)
"Gee, I really don’t know," Keolah says.
"We’re right here," Gally mutters in frustration.
"Do you need glasses?" wonders Sara.
"I gotta go!" cries Quiz.
"I’m thirsty," complains Lauren.
"Where did I put my glasses?" Keolah grumbles.
"They’re in your pocket," Kelly points out.
"Oh." Keolah feels stupid as she replaces the spectacles upon her face. "Now that’s much better!"
"Can we start looking for these pieces of the Bathroom Door now?" wonders Kristine.
(by Keolah)
"Oh. Hi, everyone. Apparently I've regained consciousness," Kelly says, getting up off the floor.
Then she looks at Keolah, and, frowning, rubs the bump on her head. "Is it just me, or are there three of you?"
(by Kelly)
Guess what? You need to click here to get the rest of the story. Sorry for the inconvienience...
Back to the Works of the Forum